I just want to remind everyone that’s keeping a boy just how important it is to avoid letting him get bored.  Toys and other material forms of distraction are not enough.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say requests for these items are more of a warning sign than anything else.  When all is said and done, what he needs is the freedom to socialize with other Thais.  This includes having them over to the house, or joining him when the two of you go out for an evening of entertainment.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

If you think the boy will be content accompanying you for a night out drinking with your farang friends, I’ve got news for you…after about one hour he’s bored to death.  Unless he has some Thai friends to sit and chat with, your boy might as well be sitting in a jail cell.

I was inspired to write this, because my BF recently told me about his best friend who is living with a 60 year old farang in Pattaya.  The farang goes out every night of the week drinking with his buddies, and expects the boy to accompany him.  All of the boy’s friends have moved back home, so he has no one to associate with, and apparently the farang isn’t paying much attention to the situation.

A lot of farang think their kept boys are content to sit loyally and silently by their side, because they are happy to be living the good life, and need the money.  To a point this is true, but it has its limits.  There’s no question the boy is willing to endure such agony, if it enables him to send much needed money back home to his poor family.  None the less, he is human, and left unchecked the situation will reach a breaking point.

If in Bangkok, go sit outside at the Balcony Pub or Telephone bar and scan the crowd.  Look for tables with farang/Thai couples.  How many of those couples are engaging in conversation, and do they look happy or serious?  Next observe the tables with more than one farang and only one Thai.  Is the boy an active contributor to the conversation?  Then see if there are any tables with two farang/Thai couples, seated in such a way that both Thai and Farang are sitting opposite of each other.  I’ll bet only the farang are talking while the two boys sit silent.  Also look for the tables with several Thai and only one farang.  Chances are everyone is engaging.  Lastly, try and find a table where the farangs and Thais are seated in such a way that both groups can comfortably talk separately.  Odds are each is actively engaged in conversation, and all are clearly enjoying the evening.

No matter how much your boy likes and cares for you, his English skills are probably limited.  Thus, conversations with you are, at best, mentally exhausting.  Put him in a group of farang and he’s totally overwhelmed.  While he does enjoy talking to you and your friends, it’s not something he can maintain for an entire evening out.

The same goes for around the house.  Let the boy have his friends over for visits.  They love to sit and chat while watching TV, or cooking noodles and eating together.  It can get a little annoying at times, but it’s something you have to do if you want your boy to keep his sanity.

You also need to let the boy go out and hang with his friends without having to give his farang any attention.  The less you do the above mentioned items, the more he will want time away from you.

Failure to pay close attention to your boy’s social needs will almost certainly put an end to the party.

A common topic of discussion on the gay Thailand forums is monogamy in a farang/Thai relationship.  Usually the discussion is about the farang not being able to resist outside temptations, but in some cases it’s in regard to the boy playing on the side.  The most recent thread I’ve read is about a farang feeling guilty he had strayed one time.  The general consensus, in this thread, was that monogamy isn’t necessary in gay relationships, and not just those with a Thai.  Most seemed to think it was more important to separate commitment from recreation.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

Back home I rarely saw open relationships survive, and felt it was probably a risky move with gay couples.  In Thailand, however, I’ve seen the opposite.  These are just my observations, and I’m sure plenty could counter them, but every successful long-term relationship (farang/Thai) I’ve encountered has been open, and age differences are not a factor.

I know one couple in their early thirties that are very happy after moving to an open relationship.  They have been together for 6 years, and it was the Thai’s idea.  Another relationship of 6 years, between an older farang and younger Thai, is also doing quite well with monogamy off the table.  In this case, it was also the Thai that suggested an open relationship.  These are just two examples of many successful open relationships I’ve encountered here in Thailand.  In fact, I’ve never encountered a successful long-term relationship that wasn’t open.  That’s not to say they don’t exist, as I’m sure they do.  However, I would not be surprised if many of these so called monogamous relationships actually have discreet flings going on.

There is one common denominator in all of these successful open relationships.  Both parties are well educated and financially secure.  In other words, these are not low class, poor boys being kept by the wealthy farang.  The odds of a successful long-term relationship with a kept boy aren’t that great to begin with, and those that do make it probably aren’t as monogamous as they appear.  Even so, it’s highly unlikely a kept boy is going to suggest, or be eager to engage in, an open relationship.  Although, from experience I can say there are exceptions.

One thing is certain, if a farang is keeping a boy, he can set the conditions of the relationship, including freedom to see other boys if he wants.  The boy may not like it, but it usually isn’t a deal stopper.  In reality, the boy’s greatest concern is getting replaced.  Of course, the boy will see others on the side, as well, but probably would anyway.

I’m also of the belief that open relationships probably do better when the boy is at least in his mid twenties.  The younger boys, queens in particular, are still romantically idealistic and hold onto that house with the white picket fence fantasy.

I think one of the reasons open relationships do so well in Thailand is the culture tolerates men being promiscuous.  In addition, I’ve noticed a lot of Thai gay couples play around on each other.  Sometimes just one, but often both regularly goes out on their boyfriend.  They don’t label their relationship as open, and apparently neither likes knowing about what the other is doing, but it does seem to be tolerated.  My experiences in this area are not extensive, but I’ve seen enough to know it’s not an isolated thing.

One friend suggested to me its better to settle on a boy for reasons other than sex, as sex is so easy to get here.  His logic being it’s a lot harder to find a boy you can live with than it is one you can have good sex with.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

I don’t think tossing monogamy out is, in and of it self, the key to a successful long-term relationship.  Certainly there are many other factors that come into play.  My point in all of this is it probably won’t do any damage, provided both can separate commitment from recreation.  It is also important, particularly when the boy is not being kept, that both parties agree to the open relationship and set some ground rules for conduct.

Of the relationships that have shared with me their ground rules, I’ve noticed each is slightly different, but all have these three stipulations - don’t bring it home, don’t do it in front of the partner, and don’t lie if asked.

With those I know the details about, it’s always been the Thai that suggests an open relationship.  I don’t have enough examples to suggest it always needs to be the Thai’s idea, but I’m inclined to think this might be the case.

Regardless of the circumstances, mutually agreed on or not, it is very important to let the boy know he is number one.  This doesn’t mean much in western cultures, but for a Thai it is a very powerful statement, provided he believes you.  It stems from polygamy, still practiced today, and the importance of being the number one wife.

As of this writing, I believe infidelity is commonplace in Thailand, and even more so with gays.  This is a society that gives a lot of priority to having fun and fully embraces the concept of “if it feels good do it”.  While I’m confident I don’t have a complete understanding of the “rules of the game” I do believe infidelity is a horse of a different color here in Thailand.  Thus, holding onto western values may cause more torment than its worth.

I realize there are differing opinions about the validity of zodiac signs, but it struck me as a good way to illustrate the actual subject of this post.  For those that like to know the astrological sign of people they meet, I don’t recommend it with Thai boys.  First of all, most won’t have a clue what you’re talking about, so you’ll need to figure it out yourself by asking for their birth date.  The problem you will encounter is many boys have two different birth dates.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

The date you find on a boy’s ID card may, or may not, be the same as his actual birth.  In fact, it could be as much as eight or nine months different from the date he was born.  If the boy was delivered in a hospital, the date on his ID card will be the same as his real birth day, because the hospital takes care of registering his birth with the government - a birth certificate.  However, many families give birth to their children at home, with the aid of a midwife.  In these cases, the parents must register the birth themselves.  I’ve been told the fee for this is 900 baht, quite a bit of money for a poor young couple to come up with, particularly when there are so many other expenses associated with a new born.  Thus, registration of the birth may be delayed for several months.  For what ever reason, birth dates are assigned based on the date of registration and that is the date used on government issued ID cards.

I could be wrong about this, but best I can determine boys use the date on their ID card to celebrate their birth days.  From what I’ve observed, some boys are aware of the two different dates, while others are not.  Those that know about the discrepancy may not be able to tell you what the exact date of their birth is.  I met one boy that thinks he knows what month he was actually born in, but can not be certain of it.  If correct, the discrepancy spans a period of six months.

Something interesting happened this year that may be relevant.  I know a boy who celebrates his birthday on December 5, same as the King of Thailand.  As this date approached I started getting calls from other boys informing me of their birthdays, all hitting a day or two either side of the fifth.  The boy who celebrates his birthday on the fifth told me there were a surprisingly high number of office coworkers with birthdays around the same date.  That caused me to speculate there may be more to this than meets the eye.

The King’s birthday is a huge event here in Thailand, and might also serve as a reminder to procrastinating parents they need to get their child’s birth registered.  This would not be true for the boy celebrating on the fifth, as all government offices are closed on the King’s birthday.  But it might explain the unusually high number of people with birth dates close to December 5, or it could just as easily be a total coincidence.

With New Years just around the corner, I thought it might be a good time to point out that Thailand celebrates the New Year three times a year.

The original Thai New Year is marked by the Songkhran festival celebrated every year from April 13 to April 15. Songkhran is most noted for the all out public water fights that take place in every city, town and village.  It is also the time most Thai people travel home to meet with their elders.  If I understand it correctly, the traditional practice was to slowly poor a small amount of water on the shoulders or hands  of an individual, particularly elders.  For reasons I do not yet understand, this has evolved into a free-for-all water soaking contact sport.  From what I gather, this escalation from a gentile ceremony to a nation-wide display of adolescence has been driven to some extent by the participation of westerners.

The Chinese New Year, also known as the Lunar New Year, is on the first day of the first month based on the Chinese style lunar calendar. Thus it shifts each year, but best I can determine always falls sometime in February. It is also referred to as New Year’s Day, or The Spring Festival, because it marks the beginning of spring. Chinese New Year is another popular time for families to gather.  One of the traditions is for elders to give money, in a red envelope, to younger friends and family members.  While the boys don’t expect us to know about this, they are pleasantly surprised when given a red envelope containing twenty or more baht.

In 1941 Thailand adopted the Western New Year date of January 1 as their official start of the calendar year.  This too is a popular time for families to gather and exchange gifts.  I don’t know the time-line, but they have also embraced Christmas, in its most commercialized form.  Shopping malls and office buildings are adorned with elaborate decoration that rivals anything we do back home.  What I find interesting is a lot of boys think the two holidays are one in the same.  Of those that know these are separate celebrations, many have no idea what the origin of Christmas is, not that it’s any different with youth back home these days.

Of the three holidays, Songkhran and Western New Year are huge migration periods, as scores travel home to visit family and friends for several days.  So don’t be surprised if some of your favorite boys are not around during these times.

If you off a boy to accompany you during the western New Year’s Eve celebration, it is entirely likely he will not spend the night.  Around 3 or 4 in the morning he’ll want to depart, and it’s for something related to New Year.  This has happened to me every single year, but I’ve never been able to get an explanation for what it is they are going to do.  All I know is it’s very important to them.

A big surprise for me has been the gift I receive every year (January) from my landlord.  He is Chinese Thai, and the gift is always a box of oranges.  Apparently the Chinese like giving oranges as gifts.  Have you ever gotten a gift from your landlord?

I’m off to the Balcony Pub this evening for their annual Christmas buffet, to be followed by who knows what.  A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all and I’ll be back with another post in a couple of days.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

I actually wrote this awhile back and haven’t gotten around to posting it.  This is a little different from my Packing List page in that it focuses on things to do and bring when moving to Thailand.  The original Packing List page is more for those just visiting.

Korea sparkling is the marketing slogan Korean Tourism is using to promote their country. At least that’s what we see on TV ads here in Thailand. And it must be working because, in the Land of Smiles, Korea is the in thing these days.

I always thought Japan was the one to emulate, and at one time it was, but not any more. Korean fashion, particularly hair styles, TV shows and movies are all the rage here in Thailand. I asked a boy about this the other night and he confirmed Japan has taken a second seat to the now uber popular Korea.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, DJ Bradley Kaos has decided to bring his London based legendary underground queer tekno parties to Bangkok. Reports are his fist was a smashing success, and while pictures don’t always tell the “whole” story, you can peep at the snaps here.

I guess I’m not surprised Bradley’s next avant-garde gathering is timed perfectly to kick in the New Year, starting at 10pm on the 31st and winding down around 10 the next morning 2009. The party will be held in the same venue as before, Raindogs Bar and Gallery.

I always like to do something uniquely different for my New Year’s celebrations, so perhaps I’ll even pop in on this one.

It is important to remember Thais take promises seriously. I’m not saying it’s an unforgivable sin, but breaking a promise is way up there on the list of things you should never do in Thailand. I was reminded of this the other night when a Canadian friend said he very rarely makes promises to the boys, because he doesn’t want to risk breaking one.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

The boys expect farang to break their promises, because they have a reputation for doing so. Thus, we that do keep our promises score big points with the boys. Equally important is there’s absolutely no risk in refusing to give one. You don’t have to say the words “I promise” for it to be construed as such, so perhaps a better way of saying this is don’t go back on your word.

Without thinking about all of the implications, I mistakenly offered to post a piece about my friend Kass. Later it dawned on me this was probably not wise, but I knew I could not go back on my word. When Kass saw that I had followed through with my promise, it really changed our relationship. Not only did the “massages” get much better, he also began to show more trust. His conversations with me have become more open and candid about himself and his family.

Up until this situation with Kass, I’d always viewed keeping my word with the boys as a means of avoiding the negative. It never crossed my mind the opposite also held true. It has caused me to reflect on other relationships I’ve developed with the boys. I now realize they too were greatly improved by the reliability of my words.

In my last post I said, “Consistently demonstrating to the boys you are not easy, firm, but always fair, are the most important ingredients in earning their respect.” Let’s add always keep your word to that list.

One night I was sitting with an American friend (I’ll call him Mr. M) at my favorite outdoor watering hole, in Soi Twilight. As I recall, there were a couple of boys with me, and one that works at the bar had joined my friend. He had been with this boy at least one time before, and liked him, so the boy sat with him most of the evening in hopes he would get offed again. By my observations, that’s exactly how things were going to play out.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

Then the GoGo bars closed and all the boys came parading by. It wasn’t long before one of them stopped to visit with Mr. M. This boy had also gone home with my friend, and was obviously working on getting repeat engagement. As it turns out, Mr. M actually preferred taking boy number two home that night, but suddenly had himself a predicament.

The standard tip for a boy that sits with you several hours is one or two hundred baht. In this case, the boy had already gone home with my friend once before, and had every reason to believe he was going with him again that night. This is one of the most popular boys in the bar. If the boy had not sat all night with my friend, there was a reasonably good chance he’d of made more in tips, or even gotten offed by a different customer. I don’t know if my friend had told the boy he was going to off him, but his conduct made it pretty clear that was the plan.

To his credit, Mr. M realized he was in a situation that required delicate handling. You see, my friend was in the process of moving to Thailand, and already knew he could no longer conduct himself like a tourist. In other words, he had to be mindful of maintaining the boys’ respect. A tourist could have simply dismissed boy number one without a care, perhaps even without a tip. But if you live here, that would put a big black mark on your reputation with the boys.

I think Mr. M already knew the solution involved money. As I recall, his words to me were something like, “How much is this going to cost me?” I was pretty drunk at the time, and don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was probably something close to this…

Explain to the boy exactly what you are going to do. Tell the boy you like him and will take him next time. Then give the boy 500 baht and thank him for a nice evening.

Later I asked Mr. M how it went, and he said the boy was totally happy with it.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

If I ask a boy to sit with me for the evening, and have no plans to off him, I’ll explain my intentions right up front. This way the boy can decide what’s best for him to do. Never communicate this via the mamasan, or at a time when the mamasan can overhear you saying it to the boy. Otherwise the mamasan will probably order the boy to sit with you. Often times a customer will walk in that the boy knows and has a good chance of going home with. It’s not fair to put him in that situation without knowing your intentions. I’ve had it happen before, and it’s really tough on the boy to do the right thing when he hasn’t had a customer in four or five days. So letting him know he’s free to work a different customer gives the boy a clear understanding of what is expected.

On the flip site, a boy should never walk away after being asked to sit with you. If he opts to work a different customer, and I’ve not said its okay, the boy forfeits any tip he might have received, and will not be allowed to return if the other customer doesn’t work out. He also stands a good chance of never being asked to sit with me again, or ever being offed in the future, and I make it a point to let him know it. Sometimes the boy is trying to do the right thing, but his limited English skills get in the way. He may tell you he IS going to go visit with a different customer, when he really means, “Is it OK I go?” To avoid any misunderstanding simply tell the boy what the consequences are of him doing this.

One night a boy sat at my table, without being invited, and asked if I would buy him a drink. I don’t normally allow a boy to do this, but he had been very friendly with me in the past, so I agreed. After his drink arrived, he asked for a cigarette, and I gave him one. At that point I was informed he would be going over to the internet café in the Hot Male annex. The boy got up and walked away without so much as a thank you, drink in hand. Shortly after that a farang friend joined me who really fancied the boy. After hearing what had happened, he promptly walked over and gave the boy a stern talking to. The most this boy got out of me after that was a brief nod when he said hello.

There is one boy I’ve known for a very long time that works in one of the GoGo bars. Every time I go to his bar he sits and drinks with me. He knows I’m not going to off him, so when its time to get back on stage he excuses himself. This goes on all evening, but when I’m finished he gets two or three hundred baht. He also gets free drinks all night, but without any compensation, as I always buy a bottle. Of course, if the boy gets offed by another customer, he knows I’m not going to tip him. No problem for the boy, as he does well either way.

When Mr. M finalizes his move to BKK early next year, he will have the makings of a true friend in boy number one, and that’s what it’s all about. Treat each situation differently, but always be fair. Even if the boy doesn’t like it, he will respect you. Consistently demonstrating to the boys you are not easy, firm, but always fair, are the most important ingredients in earning their respect.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

Here are my latest additions to the Thai English page. Best I can determine, this is the most comprehensive on-line page covering Thai English. If anyone knows of a comparable or more extensive resource, I’d love to hear about it.

Test is used in place of assessment, trial, check, experiment, examination, or evaluation.

Relax can mean chill out, rest, kick back, take it easy, or unwind. Q: Why you go beach? A: For relax.

Pretty is the word used for a male or female model, with the exception of magazine fashion models, which are referred to as models. A good example would be a group of beautiful women hired to represent a product at a trade show, convention, or special promotional event. Thais will say they need to hire some pretties.

Costume seems to be the catch all word for anything having to do with what someone is wearing. You will hear it used mostly with reference to an actor or model (pretty) wardrobe selection.

Yoka = yoga
Singing = snoring
Pinocchio = liar or BS
Slander = slender
Oil = gasoline (depending on English skills)