This piece is based on a post I did a long time ago on one of the on-line forums.  I believe it is the one and only time I have contributed to an on going discussion. This particular thread started off by asking the question, can an older farang and younger Thai boy have a successful long-term relationship.

All too often posters in threads like this tend to focus on one particular type of boy, so you have a bunch of people talking about different types, but no one acknowledging that variations exist.  It seems obvious to me there are different social distinctions that can be used to loosely categorize the boys.  It doesn’t mean one is better than the other, for a relationship or otherwise.  There are good and bad boys regardless of their social distinction, yet each will shape the relationship differently.  My post attempted to focus on the fact that there are, in very generalized terms, three different types of boys.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

So here are the three categories I came up with…

1) Both parties are financially or career sound and true love, as we define it in western culture, is a reality. However, the Thai may very well be looking at “face” or social status as one, but not the only, deciding factor in entering into the relationship. While I do not think age difference is necessarily a deciding factor, I doubt seriously most Thai boys in their late teens or early twenties are candidates for this type of a relationship, particularly when the age difference is significant.  This is because the boy has not matured enough mentally, socially, or career wise.  The fact that a boy has a job, and he’s not a money boy, has nothing to do with his possible, if not probable,  interest in climbing the ladder through a relationship with an older wealthier farang.

2) The Thai boy is in his late teens or early twenties, but most likely 22 or older. He is not a money boy and would be offended at the suggestion his intentions are monetary. He does work, but doesn’t make a lot of money, does not have a college degree, and there is little hope he will ever climb very high both socially and financially. In all likelihood he has a family with financial needs, and would very much like to help them. He is not interested in a free ride for the rest of his life, but a relationship with a wealthy farang, of any age, could be the ticket to a better life, that he makes for himself. In other words, get a degree and become financially and socially self sufficient. The likelihood of his genuinely loving you is very high, but it is that cold hearted or practical minded love.  It is well documented Thais are known for a less emotional and more pragmatic approach to long-term relationships, particularly within the lower social and economic classes.

3) The Thai boy is most likely, to one degree or another, a money boy. He is poor, may or may not have a job, and has little or no aspirations of bettering himself…regardless of what he tells you. He is in his late teens or twenties and looking for someone to take care of him and his family. Assuming he is a good and honest boy, and many are, he is happy to take care of your every need in return for financial security, for however long it lasts. If you meet when he is 18-20 the boy may, with maturity and encouragement, decide to better himself, but you should not be frustrated with him if he never does.

There are definitely gray areas that fall between the distinct lines of these three categories.  In other words the characteristics of categories 1 and 2 may blur, as will those of 2 and 3. For example, I know several boys that have a college degree, or are working toward one.  They come form poor families and struggle to make something of their lives.  They have, on occasion, had sex for money, yet their intentions are steadfast on making a life for themselves that does not involve prostitution. They fit between category 2 and 3, but are more of a 2.  Some day, if they are lucky and work very hard, these guys may make it to category 1.

A poster in the forum thread offered a fourth category…

0) The Thai partner has his own life, including career, family, etc. He meets a foreigner one way or another and though he has perhaps never dated foreigners before finds himself interested, eventually, in a relationship. While economics play a factor as they always do, both partners are “stakeholders” at least in a pro-rated way and there is no freeloading. The foreigner may often earn more money than the Thai but is also often less functional and savvy about Thai society, an area in which his partner excels. Ideally, both partners are better off for having had the relationship, even if it eventually ends. The common interest, initially, is physical; the foreigner is not necessarily much older than the Thai but if he is then the Thai partner will prefer older partners as a matter of course.

While I do not dispute his observations, and it’s certainly subject to debate, I’d be more inclined to suggest this is a subset of categories 1 and possibly 2.

Each relationship is different, because every individual is unique. Therefore, the potential variation of each is infinite.  I’ll admit it is a bit unfair to try and put people (relationships) in boxes (categories) like this, but I think you have to. Just understand they are very general, and only serve as a starting point in evaluating the situation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the categories I’ve presented. They are only important in loosely evaluating the type of relationship you are about to enter. And in doing so, you can decide if it is the type of commitment you can be comfortable and happy with. Even if, at a later date, you find yourself unhappy with the relationship, at least it was entered in to without blinders on.

How will each category evolve differently in a relationship?  Well, I would suggest the following:

Boys in category 1 are probably more mature, sophisticated and westernized.  There should be less (I said less) issues with cultural differences. They will probably have more of an emotional attachment with their BF, as apposed to a pragmatic one.  These boys will consider themselves an equal in the relationship, so don’t expect them to wait on you hand and foot.  You are more likely to find better English skills with boys in category 1, so conversations are often more intellectually stimulating.  It is not uncommon for boys in this category to be extremely possessive, and often very controlling, something that must be addressed right up front or you will go crazy.  Boys in category 1 tend to be choosier about who they get involved with, making them a difficult catch for many.  Boys in this category will probably go out of their way to maintain an appearance that your money is not, and never was, a determining factor in the relationship.

Boys in category 2 come from a lower social class, and will probably be less sophisticated or westernized.  They tend to have more simple tastes, and are often very practical about spending money.  A larger percentage will have weaker English skills.  They will not consider themselves an equal, so you probably won’t need to hire a maid. As with category 1, these boys tend to be very honest and trustworthy, but it will take a long time for them to fully open up to you, more so than with category 1 boys.  While the boy will probably want to take financial care of his family, he’s more likely to do that with his own earnings, and rely on your income to take care of him. His relationship with you will most likely be less emotional and more pragmatic.  A lot of these boys are hoping to get a college education.  If you agree to put them through college their social circle will change dramatically, causing many new outside influences to come into play.  For this reason, the boy will evolve rather quickly in his first year of studies.  He may change so much you’ll have a very different person living with you than you first met. College students tend to demand an active social life that often does not include you.  Boys, particularly those that are working, in this category can be a bit possessive, but usually not to the point of annoyance.  However, it is highly unlikely they will be controlling.

Boys in category 3 are usually, but not always, from the lowest social class.  They may even come from a family of prostitutes.  These boys are more likely to have drug alcohol and gambling problems. They are often very unsophisticated, have little understanding of western culture, and poses poor English skills. They tend to have more expensive tastes, and often don’t care about the cost of things.  These boys tend to be more secretive and untrusting.  Their relationship with you is totally pragmatic and often transactional.  Of the three categories, these boys are most likely to expect the relationship to end suddenly.  They tend to be lazier and have little or no ambition in life.  They will expect you to take care of them and their family.  Because they don’t work, these boys get bored easily, and prefer a farang that’s always doing things to keep them entertained.  Those with ambition may wish to pursue a higher education, but many will not have the academic credentials to gain acceptance to a university, particularly a good one. If the boy does make it into a university, he’ll probably need a lot of pushing to make the grade. In this category, the really good boys are few and far between.  A good boy will be honest, trustworthy, and take very good care of you.  However, they are usually more expensive to keep than boys from the other two categories.

Photo Courtesy of Private Boy Movie

Some additional food for thought…

Thai boys are very much aware that a relationship, particularly with those that fall into categories 2 and 3, can end suddenly and without warning. Therefore, their decisions, while in the relationship, tend to be based on the immediate rather than long-term. They have all been told stories about the farang BF that suddenly dumped his Thai boy for a better model, or just up and left the country, leaving the boy with nothing but a broken heart and empty wallet.  This is also why so many boys want their farang BF to by them gold… its money in the bank. It takes a long time, years even, for a boy to let go of this much deserved paranoia.

Boys between the ages of 20 and 22 may be facing the possibility of having to dedicate two years of their life, beginning at age 22, to military service. This could be a motivating factor in wanting a relationship with a wealthy farang, particularly if the boy is around the age of 20. It is no secret that, for the right amount of money, a boy can get himself excused from this civil obligation.  This option isn’t available to boys from a poor family, unless they have a loving farang willing to offer assistance.

If in a relationship with a significant age gap, you must be willing to give the boy his freedom. He needs to socialize with other Thais, both male and female, closer to his age. But it’s not just about age. He needs some time to socialize with Thais period, and not have to accommodate the English only speaking farang BF. This is particularly important with boys that fall into categories 2 and 3. All too often, farang have concerns over infidelity, but I think it’s more important to address the boy’s social needs. Put simply, you need to give him his space. If you don’t he will almost certainly leave you.  That said, it is not uncommon for boys, particularly in category 3, to have a Thai BF or GF on the side. The likely hood of you ever knowing about it is slim to none.

If you pay the boy for sex one or more times before entering into a relationship, it will have an influence on how the relationship evolves. It will forever be tied to that initial transaction. I can’t offer any examples, but can assure you the relationship will always be transactional in nature.

If you are in a relationship with a money boy, its best to set him up with a monthly allowance.  Then tell him he can do with that money as he pleases, but it is the only help he will get for taking care of his family.  If you don’t do it this way, the boy will come at you left and right with requests to help his relatives.  For most boys, the majority of that money will end up in Mom’s hands.

Again, I must stress these categories are just generalities.  No doubt there are plenty of readers that can offer exceptions.  It merely offers a broad brush approach at identifying social distinctions and how they will influence a relationship.