Someone once told me Thailand is the land of “none of your business”, an observation I’ve recently concluded is overly simplistic.

Photo Courtesy of Gay Asian Network

One of the things I noticed very early with the boys is their tendency to inform you of things at the last second.  If going out to visit (party) with friends, chances are you will get that information as they are walking out the door.  If money is needed for something you’ll find out about it 5 or 10 minutes before he needs to spend it.  In each case the boys have known about these things hours, or even days before, but don’t feel obligated to share it with you until the time has arrived.  I’ve always attributed this idiosyncrasy to Thais’ “live in the moment” mentality toward life.  But now I’m beginning to think there is more to it than that.  Perhaps a better way of saying it is that living in the moment is a symptom, but not the cause.

Over time I’ve also noticed that communication, particularly regarding things associated with responsibility or obligation, is often very terse.  Small talk, on the other hand, tends to come with great detail.  Initially I thought some, or all, of this was being driven by limited English skills, but soon realized they do it to each other.

When sorting through miscommunications with the boys, I’ve discovered brevity is often the culprit.  One common justification given for why more details, if any at all, were withheld is the assumption those specifics were already known or previously discussed.  More often than not, no explanation can be offered for why greater detail was omitted.  In these circumstances it may be the boys simply don’t have the English skills necessary to articulate their reasoning.  Another possibility is the practice is so second nature to them they actually don’t know.

Thais seem to go through life putting out one fire after another.  Yet, by all appearances they make little effort to communicate in any detail with others so many of these problems could be avoided or minimized.

I’ve known the X boyfriend for about 2 years now.  Over time he’s gotten much better about offering timely information and providing greater detail during discussions.  He’s even gotten good about taking time to touch base with me on things previously discussed that might need revisiting.  Of all the boys I know, he has definitely learned from countless incidents that withholding information, or assuming closure based on earlier conversations that were preliminary in nature, are not on my list of best practices.

My experiences with the X tell me the behavior can be modified over time, but only as it relates to his interactions with me.  The boy continues to communicate with friends the way he always has.  One would think once he’s learned the advantages of better communication practices he’d make use of it with all his relationships, but he doesn’t.  This suggests to me there is some sort of cultural reason for it, something that can be dropped when interacting with a farang.

I suspect Kreng Jai is playing a role in some of this, but I don’t fully understand its complexity to accurately make that assessment.  I’m certain that, at least to a large extent, it has nothing to do with lack of maturity, as I’ve seen the same thing with adults over 30. The one thing I am confident of is it’s not an act of secrecy or deception, which would be an easy assumption to make in many circumstances.

I strongly suspect that once I’ve found an explanation for this many other questions will get answered, and no doubt a new set of queries will follow.