A little over a year ago I wrote a piece titled Tops and Bottoms. Since then I’ve learned a lot, so I’d like to offer a more refined take on all of this. It’s based on some reading I’ve done, 0n-line forum discussions, conversations with the boys, experiences, and observations. While these are just my opinions, I believe them to be reasonably accurate. That said, I very well may be writing a revision on the subject a year from now.

The openly gay lifestyle we observe in tourist frequented cities, combined with a media created appearance lady boys are embraced by society, gives us an artificial perspective on how things really are in the land of smiles. If homosexuality is as widely accepted as we outsiders tend to believe, there should be a thriving gay scene in Korat, the third largest city in Thailand. I know many openly gay boys from Korat that believe there are no gay bars in their home town. Last time I checked there were two or three establishments, but good luck trying to find them.

Photo Courtesy of Asia Boy

According to my research, unlike Christian Judaic teachings, Buddhism does not outwardly admonish homosexuality. From what I gather, the focus tends to be more on inappropriate sexual activity of any kind. As a Buddhist society, Thais believe in tolerance, which is extended to homosexuality. But tolerating and accepting are two entirely different things.

Most boys are faced with the burden of avoiding embarrassment to their family, who expect their son to marry and raise children, regardless of his sexual preference. Thus, many boys go out of their way to protect their family by portraying an outwardly straight appearance. Short of leaving their home community, it’s next to impossible for boys to lead a comfortable gay lifestyle, and are relegated to clandestine meetings with partners of the same sex. Thus, long-term relationships are highly unlikely for most, if they choose to reside close to home.

Boys having sex with other boys doesn’t seem to be of much concern to Thais, provided it’s done with discretion. Thais appear to have an “if it feels good do it” mentality toward sex, as long as it does not interfere with the perpetuation of the family line.

I would venture to say there are a much larger percentage of bisexuals in Thailand than we would find in most western cultures. The lines between gay and straight seem to be drawn more by masculine and feminine mannerisms than actual sexual behavior. While the word bisexual has been introduced to the Thai vocabulary it rarely gets used, because boys do not draw those lines with their sexuality. They are either straight or gay, and that delineation is not determined nearly as much by whether or not they will have sex with other boys. Most Thais, including many living in the western influenced tourist areas, consider someone gay if they like other men exclusively, and to a larger extent, also display feminine mannerisms. Best I can determine, boys with feminine mannerisms, regardless of their sexual preference or conduct, can be labeled homosexuals.

In Thai society there are three sexes - men, women and kathoey. I said sexes, NOT sexualities. We westerners have all been told kathoey means lady boy (transgender or transvestite), and in today’s culture that’s pretty much accurate, at least among the more metropolitinized. However, in its original use, kathoey meant a third gender identity, roughly equivalent to the English term “hermaphrodite”. It was used to loosely describe transgender, transvestite, surgically altered, or homosexual men, particularly those with strong feminine mannerisms. This interpretation of kathoey still holds true with many Thais whom have not been strongly influenced by western concepts of sexuality. Therefore, most Thais still see kathoey as either the “third gender,” or a combination of the male and female genders, or as a female gender, but of the “other” variety.

More recently, kathoey is often used to loosely suggest a sexual preference that is anything but straight. A good example is when straight boys tease a male friend by calling him kathoey, because he’s demonstrated some sort of “feminine” behavior. It is more joking in nature and much akin to American straights calling their friend a queer. Thus, its use today is often intended as belittling, even if the purpose is only to capture a cheep laugh or two. So it isn’t surprising lady boys do not like the word kathoey, as its use is generally considered derogatory in nature.

Photo Courtesy of Asia Boy

It all gets to be a little confusing, because there are two distinctly different ways of thinking among Thais. One is the more traditional Buddhist influenced perspective, and the other is that which has been shifted by the western concepts of sexuality. More importantly, the two tend to blend together, at varying degrees, depending on the individual and his experiences. I believe the more traditional thinking is dominant throughout Thailand, while many living in tourist pockets struggle to make western concepts fit, much like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole.

Most, but not all, boys we meet in the tourist areas come from a home with the more traditional viewpoint. After relocating to a western influenced environment, their perspective begins to get reshaped. How those conflicts get processed is anyone’s guess, but I’m inclined to believe each interprets or rationalizes it a little differently. Balancing the two is most likely driven more by how feminine the boy is, as some of the more traditional constraints cease to be relevant.

It is important to understand there is no direct Thai translation for the word gay. According to my research Thais only have phrases to describe someone as a homosexual. Kathoey doesn’t really qualify as a direct translation for gay, even in its modern connotation, as it is only used to describe, or suggest, homosexuality when the individual displays feminine mannerisms.

Western influence has, to some degree, replaced traditional Thai phrases, and kathoey, with gay. In addition, gay king (top) and gay queen (bottom) have been introduced, along with bai (bisexual). But there are all sorts of problems with this. The actual definition of gay queen, as it was introduced, is gay “feminine” boy that is a bottom. Likewise, a king is a gay “masculine” boy that prefers to top. These and the introduction of bai don’t fit well, for several reasons.

Masculine boys do not always have a preference for topping other guys. Although it is safe to assume more of the masculine types are either tops or totally versatile, the idea of labeling a masculine openly gay male as a top only is overly constraining. Thus, if you were to ask a masculine boy who prefers to bottom if he’s king or queen, I’m not absolutely sure what he’d say. My guess is most would answer king, giving you the false impression he’s a top.

The same holds true for gay queens. You might be surprised to discover just how many feminine boys actually prefer to top. This is something a lot of westerners do not realize, as most, if not all, of their experiences are with rent boys. Generally, bar boys, in the farang frequented tourist areas, are expected to be versatile. This creates a false impression when a feminine bar boy is willing to toss his legs in the air. Given a choice, he might very well prefer giving you a pounding.

As I mentioned before, most boys don’t even acknowledge bisexuality. More often than not, if a boy is bi he’s going to say he’s a man (straight). Bisexual boys, even if they lean more toward same sex encounters, do not consider themselves gay…AT ALL.

Photo Courtesy of Asia Boy

I think its safe to say boys working in GoGo bars use king and queen in reference to top and bottom, probably because the mamasan taught them this. But once you get outside the GoGo bars there is no way to be sure what the boy means, particularly if he says he’s a queen.

There are a lot of door men working in the bars that are straight, but they don’t go home with the customers. I don’t care what anyone says; the boys that go with customers, but claim to be a man (straight) are actually bisexual. Most will only top, but they’re still not straight. A little known fact is prostitution carries less of a social stigma in Thailand than does homosexuality. A lot of these boys decide to work in bars so they can be sexually active with other men, and send money home to the family, knowing the folks will believe their claims of being gay for pay. The American porn producers make tons of money off consumers wanting to believe the straight boy goes gay fantasy, and this isn’t lost on the bar owners of Thailand!

I believe a larger percentage of the openly gay boys in Thailand have noticeably feminine mannerisms. Go to any gay disco, farang or Thai 4 Thai, and it’s easy to see. This should come as no surprise when you understand Thai society and the demands it places on boys to not only maintain an outwardly straight appearance but live that life as well. Boys that can pass for straight remain closeted, while those that can not come out. Of course there are openly gay boys with straight mannerisms, but in my opinion their percentage is much smaller than those that can’t hide it.

I have several farang friends that believe all Thai males are gay. I think a more accurate assessment is a surprisingly large percentage are, to one degree or another, bisexual. The vast majority of bi and gay boys go on to marry and raise a family. However, it doesn’t mean they stop having sex with other guys, particularly with those that have a stronger preference for men. Thai society believes that women should protect their virtues and remain loyal to their husband, but men have sexual needs that can not be satisfied by one individual, and therefore are free to roam. Most wives know about their husband’s extra curricular activities, and are not only tolerant of it, but accepting. Given the choice of their man seeing other women or boys, they much prefer the latter, as it poses no threat to their marriage and security.

Photo Courtesy of Asia Boy

In a nut shell, most of Thai society looks at homosexuality more from the standpoint of outward appearances - masculine or feminine. Actual sexual conduct is largely a separate matter, as many boys can actively engage in homosexual encounters and never get labeled as gay. When a butch acting boy says he’s straight, but gladly throws his legs in the air, he’s not lying. From his perspective he IS straight, because his mannerisms are not feminine. Gay kings are generally thought to be straight boys that are just experimenting. They are “one-hundred percent male” and “a complete man”.

The problem with trying to introduce the western concepts of sexuality into Thai society is it doesn’t fit well. Thais don’t view sexuality the same way we do, so it isn’t practical to try and place them in the boxes of our own creation. None the less, many boys try and adapt to our western ways of thinking, but I don’t think it actually interprets as well as we might believe. To me it’s more accommodating, or even patronizing than true understanding. Like trying to learn English, some things just don’t translate that well.

NOTE: Much of what I had been observing over the past year got explained by an academic paper I stumbled on a few months ago. It should be obvious I drew from it heavily when writing this piece.

Recently I’ve been questioning the boys on many of the things discussed here. The results have formed my opinion that each interprets the western influence a little differently, yet they all do generally agree with what is stated in the paper.

I strongly recommend reading this paper, sections 6 and 7 in particular.

The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality: Thailand